You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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