Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
