how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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