plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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