If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
