Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
