I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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