I wish my penis had an off switch
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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