Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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