You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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