I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
