Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
