his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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