I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
