at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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