His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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