you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The best revenge is premature balding
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well I just put wine in my tea
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
