And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
