I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
