Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
