if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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