You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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