Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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