last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
