i love accidental penises.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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