who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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