I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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