hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
