Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it's like iHOP with fire
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
