I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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