i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
