GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
