you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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