just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
