It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
