Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
