Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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