she was so not down for the gang bang
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
