dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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