Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
