I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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