I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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