Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
