i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
