Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
