Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
