Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
