Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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