so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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