i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
