I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
