pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
