Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
