Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
